Eridan's Crappy Christmas
by FFcarcinoGeneticist
Summary: Eridan was always a Christmas guy. But without Feferi Peixes at his side, will he be happy this holiday? Or will his joy come from an unexpected source?
1. Chapter 1

I was always happy on Christmas. Always. But I found myself unable to smile this year. Why? Feferi Peixes is not by my side.

On Christmas, I always assumed your wishes should be fulfilled. But apparently, this isn't the case. I cannot muster enough positivity to enjoy this holiday, not without her.

I was just hangin' around in my house. Just jackassing around. So I decided I'd call up a friend. Hm... Let us see. Kar, Kan, Ara, Fef-no. Maybe Kar wants to talk?

I dialed up Kar's number and awaited his response. But to no avail, it went to fuckin' voicemail.

"Hey, this is Karkat Vantas." said the response. "If you're hearing this, I'm proaly screening. I obviously _don't_ want to talk, so don't bother me." Click.

Oh no. I wasn't lettin' that asshat ignore me. So what did I do? Called him back.

Alas, he had picked up this time around.

"Agh, what is it Ampora?" He sounded oh-so happy to be conversin' with me.

"Well, I just wanted to talk to a friend. Is that a sin now?"

"I assume not. Fine, I've got time. Let's talk."

"Good! Now, I need advice."

"Lemme guess, Feferi?" God, that guy is a fuckin' psychic.

"Of course. I know she doesn't like me, but there's gotta be a way I can change things before Christmas."

"Why before the fucking holidays? Are we on some sort of time constraint now?" Snippy, huh?

"Well, sorta. I'd like to enjoy my holiday. I don't see it possible to enjoy a season of happiness without the person you _love_ by your side..."

"Dude, I'm sorry. I really don't know how to help you out now. I've given you all the advice in my book of fucking romantic wisdom. You'll have to figure this one out on your own."

"Thanks anyway, Kar."

"Hey, man, before you go, tell me. Are you going to the party at Kanaya's mansion?"

"Like every year."

"Alright. I'll see you there, bro." Click.

Hhhhhh... I had a feeling this Christmas would blow. And I was right.


	2. Chapter 2

I drove up to the party in my Corvette Stingray and got there at around 6. A bit late. But the drive from my bayside house to the middle of the fuckin' suburbs is long, y'know. Being the son of sailors comes with drawbacks.

As I approached the door, it swung open and almost whacked me in the face.

Which moron could've possibly done this? I had to know.

"_Whichever_ one of you scroyle jag-offs did this is gonna-"

It was Fef.

"Glub to that attitude, Mr. Cranky-Cape."

"Sorry, Fef. I just thought it was that slime Sol." How he irked my nerves.

"He is not slime! Can we please have a day where you two can be in the same room without causing an uproar?"

"Shore. _Jesus_, you have my hooked on these fishpuns."

"Heehee, I think it's cute!" And then she kissed my nose. Fuckin' tease.

"Oh, w-well thanks, Fe." Now I was blushin' like a fool.

"No problemo, buddy!"

Then came Sollux, strutting down the hallway like a fuckin' scrub.

"Hey, its fishdick. What's up, _bro_?" he snickered almost devilishly.

"Sollux, _must_ I lecture you about this too?" Fef said sternly.

"Please don't."

"Guys, just try to get along, okay? For meeeeee?"

We both eyed each other with a sense of tension. "Fine." I muttered. "For you."

"How glubbing sweet!"

I decided to walk towards the living room. Maybe some other people I would willingly waste my precious gases on would be dwellin' the premises.

Shore enough, everyone was there. Rezi, Gam, Tav, Eq, Nep, the rest. But where were the people I really wanted to see?

There they were, bunched up in a corner. Kan, Vris, Ar and Kar sat around a table with wineglasses in hand.

"Hello Eridan." Kan walked up and hugged me. I really was grateful for her. Always invitin' me over, always bein' kind. My ideal woman. But she happens to be my best friend. I was just glad to have her. "You missed the toast."

"My apologies, my dear." I kissed her hand like a true gentleman. This was partially done to impress Fef. "It was a lengthy drive."

"Oh, hello Eridan." Here came Ar. My other best girlfriend. "It was lonely without you here."

"Hah! Please! You're flattering me!"

"I mean it! I missed you!"

"I have missed you too."

Along came Vris. No matter how much shit we've been through, she is like my sister. "Hey, bitch." she cackled. "How's your gillfriend Feferi? See, I can even talk like her!"

"Hush, you skellum nitwit. You know damn well she is not my girlfriend."

"Oh, I'm busting your balls. C'mere, you!" She greeted me with a nice long hug.

Next Kar came to greet me. Likely with a clever insult in hand. Er, mouth.

"Oh, hey sharkcock." See, I am a fuckin' genius. "How's shit been?"

"You know, same old, same old."

"Great. Now c'mon, we have a fucking party. Take the cape off and grab a beer or something."

"Sure!" I grabbed a Bud Light from the cooler and headed to the party room with my group of friends.


	3. Chapter 3

The party was going pretty fuckin' well, I must say. I was dancin' like a machine and laughin' with my friends. Boy, I was wiped after all the jumpin' around. So I decided to sit.

"Eridan, stop being a pussy and get up." Vris remarked.

"Sorry but I'm pretty wiped." I was panting at this point.

"Dude, the _sloooooooow_ songs are coming on! Strider has "Truly Madly Deeply" on!"

That's when I caught Fef and Sol slowdancin' in the corner of my eye. A frown came across my face. Vris must've saw, because she came up with an idea.

"Eridan, how about I do you a favor? Get up and dance with me. Maybe Fef will get jealous."

"Vris, that's fuckin' genius! I owe you!"

"It's nothing." She smiled genuinely. "I know this is OOC kindness, but I'm in a good mood."

"Probably the wine."

"Fuck, stop being a kidder and _dance_ with me." I took her hand and escorted her to the dance floor.

All of a sudden, "Wake Up" by TDG came on. Yay, depressing.

As we danced, Vris rested her head on my shoulder. So peaceful. S-so beautiful...

She caught my stares and quickly lifted her head. "Is it working?"

I caught a glance of the two lovebirds gigglin' and kissin' like idiots. "Nope."

"Oh. Shame, shame." She rested her head back on me. And I saw somethin' I thought may have been a smile... But wasn't this the same person who always puts me down? Who considered me a brother?

"Look at those two. What dorks."

"Yeah, totally uncool."

We continued to dance. Then I saw Sol leave.

"Hm...S-should I follow?"

"Uhm...sure. Hurry back?" So kind. So sincere. So...odd.

"Sure thing, Vris."

He ended up on the porch, lightin' up a cigarette. Punkass.

"What do you want, fishdick?" Why, I oughta-

"I just came to talk business with you. Concerning Fef. I feel that-"

"I'd love to hear you out, but I already recognize I flaw you have."

"And what would that be?"

"You think your quadrants are a business. But they aren't. You try too damn hard. Especially with FF! Who happens to be mine!"

"Yeah, and..?"

"She's mine, and I think you need to back the fuck off!"

"Look, I love her too, okay?"

"Well don't!" He gave me a forceful shove.

"Don't touch me, or I swear to Jupiter's cock, I will fuckin' kill you!"

"I'd like to see you try!"

And just like that, fists flew about.

I guess Fef and the others may have seen, because all 10 of the others came runnin' out. Kar and Vris held me back. Fef took Sol.

"Eridan!" Fef screamed. "What is wrong with you?!"

"But he-"

"No, I don't wanna hear it!"

Kar then asked: "Dude, what the fuck happened?!"

"Eridan..." Kan said. "You should go cool off."

"Oh, I'll fuckin' go!" I stormed off bawlin' and drove away...

The others stood in shock.

"One of us should follow." said Ar. "I don't want him doing anything stupid to himself."

"I guess I'll go." volunteered Vris.

And she took off after me. What she would find would scare us both.


	4. Chapter 4

She pulled up to my house and started bangin' on my door like a maniac. Which she obviously is.

"What do you want?" I had said through the door.

"Please, let me in you asshole." So I did.

"Eridan, please don't-o-oh my god..."

She caught sight of the rope hangin' from the ceiling. And the chair placed under. Then she started punchin' me in the chest.

"_ERIDAN WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU GONNA DO TO YOURSELF WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!_"

"Vris...I'm just_ not_ happy..."

"Listen, you selfish prick. People will miss you."

"Like who, Fef? Please."

"Like Karkat and Kanaya and Aradia...and me." She held my hand. "We obviously have hated each other in the past. But look how close we are now! Are you ready to give that up?"

"I...No."

"Good! I don't wanna lose you, asshole." She kissed me softly.

What I did was kiss in retaliation. Which evolved into a session of sloppy makeouts. Then she paused.

"W-w-what are we doing?"

"What's it look like?"

"Having fun." She bit her lower lip. "Eridan, I think I may love you."

"I...I love you too." I smiled back warmly.

"Does this mean Fef is nothing to you?"

"She can go fuck herself."

What happened next was some pretty X-rated shit.


	5. Chapter 5

We walked back into Kan's mansion, hand-in-hand.

Kar, as usual, was the first to comment. "What the fuck is happening?"

"Kar, shut the fuck up."

"Look," said the peasentblooded freak Sollux, "fishdick has a bitch girlfriend."

"Sol, your virginity breeds mice, much like a cheese. I highly recommend you devour a bag of bulge and not comment on the status of my relationships."

What did he do now? Stand silent with a jaw-dropped expression.

"_ERIDAN_! What has gotten into you?" Fef was confused.

"Fef, please. Stay shut. You are not worth my time. You've done enough already tonight. But now I actually found the gift of rational thought. And I will use this ability to kindly tell you to leave me the fuck alone." Also, she was shocked. Just like her asshole boyfriend.

"Eridan, what's up?" Ar was confused.

"Meet my girlfriend, Vris." She was lost for words. Me and Vris just laughed.

"Eridan, congratulations!" Kan, unlike the others, looked happy for me. Which is why I loved her so.

"Thanks Kanaya." Vris had responded.

"I just had no clue you guys even liked each other!" she had giggled.

"Well," said my new gillfrond-ugh, girlfriend, "shit happens."

"And this is good shit?" Kar wisely added.

Then I said: "Fuckin'_ fantastic_ shit, Kar."

"Oh. Have fun, assholes." He scurried over to Kan and Ar, just as shell-shocked as everyone else.

"Eridan, baby..." Vris rubbed her waist against mine. "May I have this dance?" she asked.

"Of course." I replied. As we stepped onto the dance floor, Dave played "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade. Much like our attempt at makin' Fef jealous, we danced on and on, her head resting on me. Then she whispered into my ear: "Merry Christmas, honey." She kissed me.

"Merry Christmas, my dear..."

Maybe this holiday won't be so bad after all.


	6. Epilogue

Christmas Morning was a fuckin' blast. I awoke to Vris cuddled up next to me. Since the party, we've been doin' well.

"Vris, wake up." I kissed her forehead.

She was still virtually asleep. "I-I was sleeping you jerk..."

"But Vriiiiiiiis, it's Christmas!"

"_Shit_, I almost forgot!" We both ran downstairs.

"Vris, I picked this out for you."

"What is it?"

I handed her a small box. She opened it and found a beautiful diamond ring.

"No, this is no proposal. I just saw this and thought of ya is all."

"E-Eridan..." She gave me a nice squeeze. She then handed me a blue and purple scarf and a cape with a studded collar. Just what I wanted...

Then I remembered my other present. I pulled it out and handed it to her. She opened it up and removed spiderweb-patterned lingerie.

"This also made me think of ya." I smirked. "How about you slip that on and we go upstairs and have some holiday fun?"

We darted for the stairs. God, I love the holidays.


End file.
